it's just a thought…

Ango, literally “peaceful dwelling”, is a period of concentrated and committed Zen practice, usually lasting three-months in the Soto Zen tradition. The roots of Ango arise from the earliest days of the Buddhist monastic community in India, when monks and nuns would cease their wandering and settle together in one place for the rainy season. Even today in Zen monasteries of Japan, Ango is a time of intense and rigorous training, typically including long hours of Zazen, short hours for sleep, formal meals taken in the Zendo (meditation hall), and a structured schedule for the rest of the day comprising periods for work, liturgy, study, rest, and personal needs. In the West, most Zen groups have adapted the form of the three-month practice period to the needs and demands of life in their communities.

and so I sit, 3 times a day.. I do samu (working without need for any renumeration). I speak mindfully.

Here I will “try” to chronicle my 100 days in a daily blog post.

Receiving jukai for me is like undergoing marriage is to those with a loving partner. It is to openly make a public commitment to follow the Sixteen Precepts.

To honor the Buddha, the historical lineage that has gone before, and is a part of everything to this day and will be long after I have left this body.
To live by the Dharma, the teachings of truth and liberation from suffering.
To live in loving kindness with the Sangha, as we truly are not alone but all are a part of all sentient beings, past, present and future.

What particularly moves me to tears is the Verse of Atonement. To me it embodies the reason why I seek refuge…

“All harmful acts, words and thoughts, ever committed by me since of old,
On account of beginningless greed, anger and ignorance,
Born of my body, mouth and mind,
Now I atone for them all”.

(I think I’d like to add a silent line at the end that states that I vow to not do those acts again. To me this is the repentance).

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ‘ Tell me what you see.’

‘Carrots, eggs, and coffee,’ she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, ‘What does it mean, mother?’

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water.20Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

‘Which are you?’ she asked her daughter. ‘When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation=2 0around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.

Live your life so at the end, you’re the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

May we all be COFFEE!!!!!!!
A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee…You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

** author unknown***

“Choices result in taste.
Taste defines a style.
Style creates a narrative.
The narrative defines the self, which is nevertheless empty”. ottmar liebert via twitter May 16. 2009

As I move through this learning process toward Jukai, I will expand on this post….

Do not kill (recognizing that I am not separate from all that is)
How can I as a thinking and caring sentient being do anything that will cause harm to another being. I dont like to think of this as just the taking of a life, but also as doing anything that can affect the life of another. by this I have to include drugs, drink, language that can in any way cause harm to come to another. I suppose that a good example of this is the parent that yells and screams at the child.. this kills spirit, and can cause the person on the receiving end of this to feel less than alive.

Providing a path that causes harm is also spirit killing. I will not be a party to enabling anyone to be the path to killing of life or spirit. I will take ever step I can to prevent this type of harm from befalling anyone.

Do not steal (being satisfied with what I have)
I do not need to have “things” that do not belong to me, or are unnecessary to my wellbeing. I do not need to envy my neighbors for what they have. I should not take what is not freely given to me but should accept what is given to me freely with thanks.

Do not be greedy (encountering all creations with respect and dignity)
“Honor the body—do not misuse sexuality.” Honor the body of Nature. When we begin to interfere with the natural order of things, when we begin to engineer the genetics of viruses and bacteria, plants and animals, we throw the whole ecological balance off. Our technological meddling affects the totality of the universe and there are karmic consequences to that. The three wheels: body, mind, and mouth; greed, anger, and ignorance are pure and clean. Nothing is desired. Go the same way as the Buddha, do not misuse sexuality.
Do not tell a lie (listening and speaking from the heart)

I have found myself turning this precept over and over in my mind as it has a number of things within it that affect day to day living.

There is the lie, for the sake of protecting someone from a truth that isn’t so nice, the lie that elevates oneself in the eyes of others… the lie that life isn’t as bad (or good or mediocre) as we perceive it to be. I learned them all at a very tender age and learned to be very good at them. The only thing I got from it was a life of heartache and wondering why everything was a struggle. Then I learned that no matter what I say, things aren’t going to change, I was only fooling myself.

I find it very difficult to even do the little protective white lie now because its still not quite the truth. When I sit, it is with this in mind. no matter what someone projects about “self” it is delusion. I also struggle with the “good lie”. There was a time that I would want to sugar coat a bitter pill that might be upsetting to someone, but when I am the one that is getting handed the lie, I would rather know the whole truth and have it be my decision on how to deal with it.

In my community we are dealing with the other aspects brought forth here:, the slander, idle gossip and harsh speech. My initial reaction is to hide in my apartment and not face anyone that does these things (Imagine a building of 55 + people with nothing better to do than talk trash about others). I am finding however that I am gently to the others and being completely honest in my dealings with them. Strangely some are starting to do the same. The others have been asked to move out.
Do not be ignorant (cultivating a mind that sees clearly)
Do not talk about others’ faults and errors (unconditionally accepting what each moment has to offer)
Do not elevate yourself and put down others (speaking what is perceived to be the truth without guilt or blame)
Do not be stingy (using all of the ingredients of my life)
Do not be angry (transforming suffering into wisdom)
Do not speak ill of the Three Treasures (honoring my life as an instrument of peacemaking

Maybe you can tell me.

When I left Oregon and moved to Santa Fe it was to bring a sense of peace and calmness ot my life. It was also to reduce attachments to “things” that were unnecessary in my life. I did a good job of this, and I arrived with clothes, cameras, computers and my cat, Albie.

I was fortunate to find a place to go to up front, and have a destination when I was driving. The arrival has been a real eye opener for me. When I got here I paid my month’s rent.. minus the cost of a ticket to see Ottmar Liebert + Luna Negra in December for my roommate. Pretty straightforward stuff. ok.. I thought that this was gonna be perfect.

However, it seems roomie has a few health issues.. so she is on morphine and oxycontin. She also smokes pot constantly and sells Rx drugs. This puts me in a strange place as I do not do these things, and cant really say I am comfortable with the thought that I could be included in any bust that came down the pike.

I guess that the fact I need to get a job and work to pay rent isn’t an issue as she seems to think I should do everything with her.. and that I need rides to all of my interviews. I have a bus pass, I know how to take the bus. Its also a great way to learn my way around.

This all came to full realization today when we had planned to visit Dixon NM.. for a festival and wine tasting. This is around 60 miles of mountainous driving each way. My roomie couldnt “not smoke” her dope first. When she asked me if I was ready to go I politely told her that I had changed my mind, that I was not comfortable driving with someone that was not in full control. It is way beyond my comfort zone.

Instead I will study my precepts today.. start preparing my fabric for my Rakusu, and sit zazen.

Intensifying job search is very important as I really need to find my own place ASAP. While I appreciate all she has done for me.. Albie and I need to breathe and be comfortable in knowing that all is safe in our home..

maybe a little casita on the east side of town.. closer to the things that are now a part of my life.

Wednesday, October 22nd:

Fill your bowl to the brim and it will spill.
Keep sharpening your knife and it will blunt.
Chase after money and security, and your heart will never unclench.
Care about people’s approval and you will be their prisoner.
Do your work, then step back: the only path to serenity.

— Lao Tzu (Tao Te Ching, #9)

Today is day one of my quest for “enlightment”.

I start my precept classes at Upaya at 3 pm today. I am nervous about it. I can only liken it to fear of the unknown or rejection. While I know this is a compleley irrational thought.. it is still present in my mind.

The classes last 5 months. The end is eather visited with Jukai, or actually becoming buddhist or more studies, more learning.. etc.

To be able to Jukai one needs to be accepted by the Abbot of the temple, as you become a part of their lineage. As I have not met with Joan Halifax Roshi yet, I do not know if Jukai is possible for me at this time. I have lived my whole live without… a bit longer will not kill me.

I’m taking my camera so that I can shoot my way to Upaya and back. Perhaps images will make there way onto this blog.

In harmony with the changing attitude and peace in my life I have decided to start this blog over with the new version of WordPress.

Please stay tuned for changes!